Tuesday, May 03, 2005

The Complete Idiot's Guide on How NOT to Approach a Girl

Much (too much, in fact) has already been said about how one should approach the girl one likes. So here's a quick run through of what you should not do!

1. Do not put too much planning into your approach:

Opening with something that you have rehearsed a thousand times in your mind already, will make you seem fake. It also gives her the impression that you are a scheming, manipulative individual. Things would go a lot smoother if you just approached her and let matters take their own course, naturally.

Sure, a joke or two isn't the worst thing in the world. But it should come naturally to you, as you're talking to her (and trying not to stare at her boobs, see below)!

And please keep those corny one-liners aside! They may work in the movies, but are not likely to meet with much success in real life!

2. Do not talk technical:

No matter how much girls may be impressed by fancy gadgets and gizmos, they are just as much turned off by talk about them. So drive up to her in your Porsche and you'll probably get laid, but try telling her about its ground clearance, gear ratios, or even its piston displacement volume and you can be sure you'll be sleeping alone!

This reminds me of a friend. This guy believes he can win over any girl with his 'intellect'. If he sees anything in a skirt, he just has to switch to techno-talk! A standard pick-up line might be something like, "How would you like to discuss the cosmological implications of the Third Law of Thermodynamics in the oscillating model of the Universe over dinner with me?" (She - "Umm... I'm sorry, I don't quite understand Greek!")

Needless to say, he's still single.

3. Do not keep staring at the goods:

Yes, I know it's difficult to talk to her without your eyes being magnetically attracted to her breasts, but if you wish to get anywhere with her then I suggest you shift your gaze northward by about a foot.

Sometimes this can be harder than expected. Especially if the female is topless, as I once found out on a beach in Goa. (Regular readers may assume that I am referring to this, but no, this was another occasion.) I think she stopped talking after about 30 seconds, but it took me about 5 minutes to realize that!

(Oh and also do not stare at someone else's rack either!)

4. Do not compliment her:

This one's rather strange. Compliments are received by men and women in very contrasting manners. Compliment a man, even falsely, and he will be as pleased as punch. But compliment a woman and, even if it's genuine, it risks not going down well. No man has yet understood why this is so. (I doubt too many women have either!)

Maybe it's just insecurity, maybe not. But whatever the reason, the fact remains - compliment a woman and you're playing with fire. If it works, great! But there's an overwhelming possibility that it won't! So if you want to play safe, stay well clear from the compliments.

If you don't believe this whole 'compliment' issue though, feel free to try it out on a female friend. But be warned of the possible repercussions!

By the way, it goes without saying (but I'll say it nevertheless since this is an Idiot's guide), but don't insult her either. So if you think she keeps opening and closing her mouth like a goldfish, or that she's flat-chested enough to shoot pool on, then I suggest you keep these observations to yourself! (By the way, if the second thing is true then you may want to reconsider why you're asking her out in the first place!)

Of course, all the above tips can be pushed aside if your last name turns out to be Clooney or if your Dad is the Sultan of some place or if you're just plain gay! For the rest of you regular average-Joe idiots out there, read it again!


Ganesh Hegde said...

well,well,look who's giving advice!!
hey arnold,when i last spoke to you,you were single(or so it seemed).but all the gyan youve given seems to indicate that youve got hitched.if you havent,then shame on you for propagating things that you yourself havent tried out successfully.

arnold said...

hypothetically speaking, even if I was single, what's wrong in my dishing out a bit of advice to other single folks out there!

besides, the piece is titled "what NOT to do". wouldn't want other people to make the same mistakes i have, now would we? *winks*

Kunal said...

I would have thought the best guy to give you advice on what not to say to chicks would be a single guy....

Kunal said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
arnold said...

true true... so kunal, got any pointers for us?

Kunal said...

Dude, I son't think anyone can advise the readers of this blog...

If you've got any pointers on what you should do, well that will be something!