Weddings I Like

I haven't been to a wedding in a long time. More's the pity, actually, since I love weddings. Well, who doesn't? Of course, my favorite is the Goan wedding in Goa.

Every time I attend a wedding, somewhere deep down I'm hoping for either the bride or the groom to answer "no" or "I do not" to one of the questions. (Yes, I understand that my revealing this hidden desire on my part decimates my chances of getting invited to the wedding of anyone reading this.) Just think about it though. Wouldn't it be fun?

Priest: Do you, John, take Mary to be your lawfully wedded wife, in sickness and in health, in good times and bad until death do you apart?
John: No, not really. Couldn't be less bothered actually, padre.
Priest: Ah, that's nice to know. I'm sorry, Mary. This is about as far as you're going to get on this show.

When you think about it, it's not as unrealistic as it initially seems. It only takes someone who's a wee bit more doolaly than I am, and I'm sure there are at least a few people out there who match that criterion. One of them happens to get drunk one night and proposes to someone, and voilà, next thing you know we have my fantasy wedding. Actually I'd do it myself, but I doubt anyone would agree to marry me in the first place.

The other interesting twist in the ceremony, that I'm always hoping for but never materializes, is at the "objections" stage. You know, when the priest asks the guests present whether any of them has any objection to the marriage. I'd like to see someone speak up then. Just once.

Priest: If anyone has any objections to this marriage, I request them to speak now or forever hold their silence.
Me: I hereby strongly and unequivocally object!
Priest: And what would be the exact nature of your objection, my son?
[I believe priests are fond of using the terms "my son" and "my daughter" liberally with strangers to compensate for the lack of the same in their actual lives.]
Me: Nothing really. I just always wanted to see the look on all the faces when someone actually objected. Oh and yeah, I slept with the bride last night but I'm not sure if that counts.

I also believe that the perfect wedding is that of a first cousin. A first cousin, you see, is perfectly distanced from you in the family tree. Close enough for you to not be left out of anything, and yet far enough so that you don't have too much work to do!

So please invite me to your wedding. I promise to add a little bit to the fun myself -- by objecting like the dickens, that is. If you're a cousin, so much the better.