Not Just a Name, I Want Vital Stats

The major difference in the way guys and girls listen to any piece of news or story that they hear is that it’s crucial for the guys to know how “hot” any females mentioned in the story are. Guys view stories concerning females in very different ways depending on their hotness. For example, if Tom hears about a beautiful 18-year-old girl, who was killed when she drove her car off a cliff while under the influence, he’s thinking, “Oh, what an unfortunate tragedy that is!” However, if Tom hears about a fat, not-good-looking 18-year-old girl, who was killed when she drove her car off a cliff while under the influence, he’s thinking, “Yay! We’re safer on the streets with one less drunken maniac around!”

The other day my friend Samantha says to me, “Okay, there’s this girl Jennifer in my class whose brother...”

“Wait a minute,” I interrupt. “How hot is she?”

Now you’re probably wondering what in the world that had to do with the story. That is, if you’re a girl. If you’re a guy, you’re probably wondering how hot Samantha is, in addition to how Jennifer is. Go on. Admit it.

Actually, the problem mainly arises when it’s a girl telling the story. If a guy is narrating, then he’s already aware of what his male audience wants, so he carefully describes each female character involved. “So Julie, who’s okay looking but with a great ass, told Alexis, who’s H-O-T, that...” You get the picture, literally.

When a girl is narrating -- to pun a little -- it’s a different story altogether. Guys get really irritated when there isn’t enough information about the physical qualities of all the females whose names are mentioned. Most guys would be far more satisfied individuals if telling a story involving girls had to mandatorily be accompanied with a picture of each girl involved to display alongside. This way the guy can easily decide whether the protagonists involved are hot enough to merit his attention or whether he ought to pretend to pay attention while thinking about the girl he saw on the subway that morning.

To make matters even more complicated for men, some names just sound “hot”. And some don’t. For example, when I hear a story about a Rachel, I’m thinking, “Nice body, good face, overall quite good.” But when I hear Olga, I imagine an obese middle-aged woman with a dirty apron and a round face. Not very attention-grabbing. Of course, it’s quite possible that Olga’s actually good looking. Which is why, I repeat, it’s so important for everyone telling a story to mention how hot (or not) the characters are! Always!