Monday, October 16, 2006

Not Just a Name, I Want Vital Stats

The major difference in the way guys and girls listen to any piece of news or story that they hear is that it’s crucial for the guys to know how “hot” any females mentioned in the story are. Guys view stories concerning females in very different ways depending on their hotness. For example, if Tom hears about a beautiful 18-year-old girl, who was killed when she drove her car off a cliff while under the influence, he’s thinking, “Oh, what an unfortunate tragedy that is!” However, if Tom hears about a fat, not-good-looking 18-year-old girl, who was killed when she drove her car off a cliff while under the influence, he’s thinking, “Yay! We’re safer on the streets with one less drunken maniac around!”

The other day my friend Samantha says to me, “Okay, there’s this girl Jennifer in my class whose brother...”

“Wait a minute,” I interrupt. “How hot is she?”

Now you’re probably wondering what in the world that had to do with the story. That is, if you’re a girl. If you’re a guy, you’re probably wondering how hot Samantha is, in addition to how Jennifer is. Go on. Admit it.

Actually, the problem mainly arises when it’s a girl telling the story. If a guy is narrating, then he’s already aware of what his male audience wants, so he carefully describes each female character involved. “So Julie, who’s okay looking but with a great ass, told Alexis, who’s H-O-T, that...” You get the picture, literally.

When a girl is narrating -- to pun a little -- it’s a different story altogether. Guys get really irritated when there isn’t enough information about the physical qualities of all the females whose names are mentioned. Most guys would be far more satisfied individuals if telling a story involving girls had to mandatorily be accompanied with a picture of each girl involved to display alongside. This way the guy can easily decide whether the protagonists involved are hot enough to merit his attention or whether he ought to pretend to pay attention while thinking about the girl he saw on the subway that morning.

To make matters even more complicated for men, some names just sound “hot”. And some don’t. For example, when I hear a story about a Rachel, I’m thinking, “Nice body, good face, overall quite good.” But when I hear Olga, I imagine an obese middle-aged woman with a dirty apron and a round face. Not very attention-grabbing. Of course, it’s quite possible that Olga’s actually good looking. Which is why, I repeat, it’s so important for everyone telling a story to mention how hot (or not) the characters are! Always!

17 comments:

mullingovermythoughts said...

that is so true man. the other day, i was having a conversartion with one of my pals who was narrating this funny episode about a really hot chick, had i not asked her how hot this chick was, i probably would not have taken the pains of being somewhere with the single minded intention of asking her out!!! i wish women would understand our needs.

Jonathan Dias said...

Have you ever had a friend tell you a true lesbian story? A man would never ever assume that they're ordinary looking women. We're always conjuring images of 2 hotties in the bare nothings. And half way through the story you realise that you're not even listening, because your fantasies have taken over.

Bheekling said...

We are pervs. All those proud of it put your right hand up.

*sole guy with his hand down in a sea of men with their right hand up*

Arnold said...

mullingovermythoughts - when in doubt, assume hot.. i call it (WIDAH)

jonathan dias - true man! the effects of being brought up in the age of the internet, i believe... or as i said above, WIDAH

bheekling - is that hand which is down, where we think it is?

Rachel said...

he he... You think I am cute!!! lol

and people wonder why women are so obsessed with their looks/body/weight/skin/flab/cellulite/scars/hair/jean size etc.

Arnold said...

rachel - You aren't cute?! Damn! Belief... system... being... shattered!

Bheekling said...

yup! you're right! its on my touchpad :P :P

Arnold said...

bheekling - sure, we believe you!

Bheekling said...

Oh sorry, that was my left hand (these midsem exams are fiddling with my head). As you can see, my right hand is on my walking stick. :P

Jonathan Dias said...

touchpad. walking stick. Doesn't anyone call it by it's right name anymore - Big Bird.

Arnold said...

"Big bird" sounds just about right! Looks fairly like an ostrich to me

Olga said...

hov dere yu insult me?

hov dere yu tink that i m obise und midel aged!

in trut, i m very desirable. you.. you.. Вы - мать, убивающая голову дерьма!!!

Salil said...

I dont know why you dont find the name Olga interesting. Whenever I hear the name, I picture a Russian pornstar with a complete name of Olga Kahekomereballssquashki.

@Olga: I'm available.

Arnold said...

olga - Funny :)

salil - Stop turning this blog into a "pick up" zone!

Anna said...

so if this is true for all you guys.. why arent all those who commented wondering how hot Samanthat is?
considering this is a sort of story-telling too ?

Anna said...

*Samantha

Arnold said...

anna - Of course they are! That's exactly what I said here:

"If you’re a guy, you’re probably wondering how hot Samantha is, in addition to how Jennifer is. Go on. Admit it."

They're just not admitting it in the comments!