Chauffeur? Really?

I’m yet to understand the exact reason why anyone would hire a chauffeur. Just the fact that the profession even exists is a mystery to me!

I mean if I bought myself a nice, expensive car, I’d want to drive it - myself! But no, what do most people do? They actually pay someone else to drive their fancy car for them! That’s like buying the latest PlayStation and handing it out to some kid on the street to play with and then paying him at the end of it! So it’s not only, “Here, why don’t you drive my Lexus?”, but also, “And while you’re at that, let me also give you some money!” They won’t even let their friends take it out for a spin, but some stranger - they pay him to do so!

The only explanation I can see for this phenomenon is that when people are rich, they have to do something stupid just to prove to everyone else that they have a lot of money. It’s like the Arab who throws away new stuff just for the heck of it. Or the Texan who burns dollar bills in his fireplace instead of logs of wood. So what someone who employs a chauffeur is trying to say is, “Look at me! I bought myself this really expensive car, but I don’t even care all that much for driving it myself, so I’ll just pay someone to do it for me.”

As far as the job itself is concerned, it’s a complete snooze-fest. You spend about 20% of time actually driving the car, and the other 80% sleeping in it, waiting for your employer. And since anyone who can afford a chauffeur obviously has a pretty neat car, it’s not the most uncomfortable place to catch forty winks. And you get paid to do it! Most chauffeurs, it is rumored, have hyperactive sex lives. I’m not surprised - if you sleep that much during the day, there’s little else for you to do at night!

Becoming a chauffeur is my backup plan. If all else fails, I know where I’m heading. You don’t require a college degree, you get to drive fancy cars, and they don’t fire you for sleeping on the job. And what’s the worst thing that can have to do at work? Fix a flat tire once in a while?

I met an old friend the other day, and while we were chatting he happened to mention that his Dad drives a Mercedes. “What is he?” I asked. “A businessman?”

“No,” replied he. “A chauffeur!”