Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Lies, Lies and More Lies!

There are some lies that are so hackneyed, I’m surprised people even use them any more. I’d have expected them to be safely packed away, for use on aliens maybe should they one day invade the Earth.


Here are some of the Hall-of-Famers.

1) “I ran out of gas!”

Ever since Mr. Benz invented the Internal Combustion Engine more than a century ago, man has conveniently used above line as an excuse for being late for absolutely anything. It was a lot more classy than the previously used version - “My horse collapsed by the wayside since his stomach was empty!”


2) “I got a flat!”

Of course, using the “gas” excuse all the time would cause people to start getting suspicious (and maybe even crack a few jokes about how you should perhaps eat beans the next time and shove your ass into the fuel tank!) and so one would do well to use this alternative excuse once in a while. But you would not want to overuse this one too often either, lest people start subtly suggesting that maybe you need to shed some weight.


3) “The check’s in the mail!”

I have no idea what the Postal Service is doing with all those lost checks, because at last count there were about 32,335,684,259 of them. In this country alone. There will be 5,604 more by the time you finish reading this post.


4) “No, those jeans do not make you look fat!”

What he actually means to say is, “Those jeans do not make you look any fatter than you already are!” Of course, actually saying that would probably entail her sitting on him and crushing him to death, so he decides to use the age-old escape lie.


5) “It’s not you, it’s me!”

He wants to break up with you, but he can’t decide how. He takes you out to dinner. Now, he can’t just break the news to you in simple English because you will start crying. (He doesn’t really care whether you cry or not, but it’s embarrassing for him to walk away from a table leaving a crying woman behind!) So what does he do? He pulls the classic “It’s not you, it’s me” routine! Works every time!


6) “There isn’t anyone else!”

This one dates back to the time when Adam first used it on Eve. He got away with it because back then there really wasn’t anyone else! Since then it’s slowly gotten more and more hackneyed to the point where today your wife could walk in on you having sex with some other girl and you could still possibly tell her, “Don’t worry darling, there isn’t anyone else!”


7) “Isn’t that just the cutest baby ever?”

Okay, I admit some babies are cute. (There, I’m probably the first guy to ever admit that on record!) But surely not every baby! Come on now, there have to be a some babies out there that are plain ordinary and some that are ugly enough to give a drag queen a run for his [her?] money! Why do you girls have to compliment them as well?



But for me, the greatest lie ever has to be when a woman says that she looks for a sense of humor in a guy! An outright lie that can match any of the seven listed above! The only person who’s looking for a guy with a sense of humor is a talent scout for a comedy club. A sense of humor can’t buy you goodies and it can’t “make love” to you. You can’t show it off to your other girlfriends and you can’t stare at it and drool. So why exactly are you looking for a sense of humor? Huh? Save it for the aliens!

49 comments:

nina said...

oh come one...i have used lie no. 5....once....lol....but really...the other are quite obvious....anyway whats wrong with a sense of humour...ew dont ONLY look for a sense of humour...besides the sense of humour comes with all the other perks (or headaches) of the guy....so yes...it can buy us gifts n make love to us...so there....(sticks tongue out at u!)

great idea for a post though....where did u come up with? all u ppl out there are so talented n brainy n funny...i guess i am the only drab boring one on the planet...sob

Lakshmi said...

about the cute baby thing: when my mother went for a baby christening in england for some north indian friend of theirs, the baby apparently wasn't that great looking. therefore my mother communicated this to her sister-in law in tamil "moonji paaru...asingamaa irruku!"(look at the face...horrible)...and just her luck the baby's mom had lived in madras for 5 yrs..and understood every bitchy word my mother said!

Yashita said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
nina said...

yashita...good reason...wish i had thought of it myself...oh i really dont get the statement "such a cute baby"...all babies look the same to me!!!

nina said...

lets see what all excuses i have used before:
#1: well considerin the fact that i just got my license but still dont drive....
#2: read the first
#3: oh i have been given that line a lot but considerin it gets sent by courier i am happier!!!
#4: oh defi used that one but i usually mean it!!!unless its someone i hate completely...but in that case they will most likely know so wont ask me!
#5: of course!!!
#6: hmmmm......lol
#7: duh huh????

Arnold said...

nina - whoa! tht's a lot tht u've said here ... lol...

all babies do NOT look the same.. some are cute and some arent! and well, wht makes you think that i'm any more interesting than you are?

yashita - i quite disagree with you over here... speaking from experience i can tell tht humor is used more often as a "defence mechanism" (ala chandler bing) than as a sign of confidence... so there

lakshmi - OUCH!!

the wannabe indian punkster said...

ahhh........
What about this one:
"you called? Oh..I left my phone in the car/in silent mode/in a different room"

I mean seriously!
How retarded do people think you are?
*cough* Ive used it myself on occasion actually:D

Arnold said...

megha - hmmm.. yea, nice one.. but then there's also.. "i'm busy now.. give me your number and i'll get back to you"

_ð!®†ß¤¥ said...

Dammit!! Late Again! And Nice List.. will take care I redirect any person using this on/around me, towards your page, not that you need those extra visits, but still, the needs of the many outweigh the wants of the few.. Aint makin sense, Am i??

Arnold said...

facesmasher - late again for wht, dude? sure thing.. any hits are good hits.. :).. wht's this needs outweighing wants again?

Saltwater Blues said...

Good post, bro.

There's this couple in my building who have a baby boy who's butt bludy ugly ... and it's so damn funny how everyone tells the parents he's cute!

And yeah, I've always wondered why women place such a premium on a man's 'sense of humour'... perhaps it is to compensate for their lack of it :)

Varun said...

Gas???Gas?????Wtf do you mean by Gas??? Its called petrol goddamnit!!!

Varun said...

Damn funny post dude, and yes "its not you its me does work every time" :D

Anna said...

Oh yes.. the phone in the other room one... i use it so often... :-(
I don know whether to be proud of it..

Cute babies... i think its more the concept of it than actually looking to se if a baby is cute or not.. EVERY baby has some sort of cuteness... so i guess we must console ourselves saying we don actually lie every time...
As for #5 and #6...
*purses lips and shakes head...

nina said...

oh ofcourse u more interstin...at least u come up with better posts...lol...anyway megha...i have also used the its was on silent or in another room excuse...a lot!!!!!lol....

ishita said...

cute babies...hmmm...! wrote this on royston's blog too...of how i reacted when i saw my son fr d first time...all red and blotchy..!! i wz like..."maa??!..." lolz...mom gave me one luk n i just shut up...anyway...me thinks now he's cute for sure:)...but then mommies wld always think so!

"chks in d mail"...lolz..heard that way too often when i worked in collections...

"it's not u, it's me"....hell it sure does work...is there any other (better) way to do this??! he he

i enjoyed reading these...

Arnold said...

saltwaterblues - LOL! yea, it's rare finding women with a good sense of humor.. but there are a few of them around... :D

varun - cuz then i cudnt do the "beans" joke now cud i??

anna - why dont u people actually answer the call for once??

Arnold said...

nina - sure, if you say so ! u're still in that "trying to be a loser" phase?? hmm...


ishita - lol! ur own son? tht's a first! gotta ask my mom wht she thought now!

lara said...

LOL # 4 reminded me of ..me...
lucky for me you *did* tell me i looked fat..{like a whale, to be precise} =D hahahha...and BTW... elephants nvr forget, so dun be surprised when i DO sit on you!!!
# 7 reminded me of janice's baby lol.
and abt the sense of humour thing...it just can't be a lie for me lol cuz i cnt picture myself with a guy who doesn't make me laugh all the time!..it just wouldn't be right. =)

Arnold said...

lara - :D!! i did do that, now didnt i?? lol! cant wait for you to get here!

Lakshmi said...

talking about nina's apparent loser phase: i don't think she's leaving the 'i'm a loser' phase anytime soon...jeez how many times do i have to engrave it into her head that people don't become losers...they are born losers...and sadly she was not one of those types who were born losers....that's a very select group of individuals....

Arnold said...

lakshmi - i wunder which side of the fence i was born on? hmm...

Lakshmi said...

if you were a loser...believe me, you would know it from the beginning.....

its pretty easy to figure out actually...

Arnold said...

lakshmi - so i guess i'm not then ! :D

Leilouta said...

I am tired.
I forgot about the time.
I had no idea it was this late.
I can't believe it is not butter. I am dying here.

Arnold said...

leilouta - ok! ur comment had me puzzled for a while there... but i assume that these are supposed to be some more lies that you wish to add to the list... i wunder if i'm right..?

Lakshmi said...

ooh...look how happy you are *(looks bitter)

Arnold said...

lakshmi - now, now... there's no need to get all bitter about it... with a taste in music like urs *ahem* surely u cant be all tht bad... ?

nina said...

lol....good one arnold...finally someone other than rep n me drummin that into her head!!!

Lakshmi said...

you're right i'm not THAT bad...but since when did taste in music define a person's loserish-ness....lol...and nina....i'm actually ok with being a loser...why....here's a new reason: i like simon cowell!! ok not 'lik' like him...but i respect the dude....

Arnold said...

nina - who's Rep again? .. and was tht supposed to be a pun on "drumming"?

lakshmi - you respect simon cowell?? wait.. let's back tht up a bit.. you watch american idol????

Lakshmi said...

excuse me...i do!! and only to diss and appreciate the singers (i sing for culturals sometimes).....and most of the time they have good themes....like they had a 50's theme..and it was johnny cash and all....quite good...and in general i do respect him cos he's honest and doesn't mind being hated....

Arnold said...

lakshmi - if you like straight talking, "dont mind being hated", shoot-from-the-hip characters, u'll worship me :D!

Arnold said...

lakshmi - i often keep pissing off people i dont even know!

Anna said...

And jus so you know..
"rep" refers to divya.
http://www.mystrangenotions.blogspot.com/

Arnold said...

anna - why call her "rep" then?

Lakshmi said...

lol...that's happened to me before....but most people tend to like me....i'm not rude...but if i was judging that show....i probably would be :)....was watching the show with anna the other day...i think she was pretty shocked by how seriously i take my AI critequing.....

and about worshipping you....umm.."the doesn'y mind being hated" thing is not the only thing i see....

Arnold said...

lakshmi - i'm rude without intending to be so.. and most of the times i've not even aware of it.. until someone tells me about it later...

Yashita said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Arnold said...

yashita - thanks for the support ! :)

KT said...

GO sistah! please change the template of the blog. make it pink :) :)

Arnold said...

kt - oh shut up! btw, u're in an all girls league out here dude.. u might want to watch ur step ;)

Freaky Chakra said...

The best has to be -

"dont worry sweetheart... i promise i wont go any further"

:D lol... what say!

Yashita said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
nina said...

arnold....well div was our first class rep in coll n got the nick REPPY...which gets shortened to rep....got it? ;)
oh n lak n git take AI very seriously....i dont know how...but i like simon too....

Anna said...

@ kt..
Well... Do you think ah-nild might like nina's new template ? It is pink!!!!
:-)
What say you, Mr. A ?

Arnold said...

freaky chakra- well... yea, i suppose you cud add that one too... cept being the gentleman tht i am, i never use that line... ;)

yashita - yea.. i was going to put tht one in too... but then i've already written an entire post on the falsehood of that particular line

nina - git, now?

anna - so i finally spurred u into action, eh?

P.W.F said...

What About, "My grand Mother/Father passed away?" I personally have killed 7 grandparents if Im not mistaken. Hmmm.. I wonder if i can plead Lack of Originality?



http://www.piggy-memories.blogspot.com/

Arnold said...

p.w.f - SHIT!! how could i have forgotten tht?? damn! score one for you!