Lies, Lies and More Lies!

There are some lies that are so hackneyed, I’m surprised people even use them any more. I’d have expected them to be safely packed away, for use on aliens maybe should they one day invade the Earth.


Here are some of the Hall-of-Famers.

1) “I ran out of gas!”

Ever since Mr. Benz invented the Internal Combustion Engine more than a century ago, man has conveniently used above line as an excuse for being late for absolutely anything. It was a lot more classy than the previously used version - “My horse collapsed by the wayside since his stomach was empty!”


2) “I got a flat!”

Of course, using the “gas” excuse all the time would cause people to start getting suspicious (and maybe even crack a few jokes about how you should perhaps eat beans the next time and shove your ass into the fuel tank!) and so one would do well to use this alternative excuse once in a while. But you would not want to overuse this one too often either, lest people start subtly suggesting that maybe you need to shed some weight.


3) “The check’s in the mail!”

I have no idea what the Postal Service is doing with all those lost checks, because at last count there were about 32,335,684,259 of them. In this country alone. There will be 5,604 more by the time you finish reading this post.


4) “No, those jeans do not make you look fat!”

What he actually means to say is, “Those jeans do not make you look any fatter than you already are!” Of course, actually saying that would probably entail her sitting on him and crushing him to death, so he decides to use the age-old escape lie.


5) “It’s not you, it’s me!”

He wants to break up with you, but he can’t decide how. He takes you out to dinner. Now, he can’t just break the news to you in simple English because you will start crying. (He doesn’t really care whether you cry or not, but it’s embarrassing for him to walk away from a table leaving a crying woman behind!) So what does he do? He pulls the classic “It’s not you, it’s me” routine! Works every time!


6) “There isn’t anyone else!”

This one dates back to the time when Adam first used it on Eve. He got away with it because back then there really wasn’t anyone else! Since then it’s slowly gotten more and more hackneyed to the point where today your wife could walk in on you having sex with some other girl and you could still possibly tell her, “Don’t worry darling, there isn’t anyone else!”


7) “Isn’t that just the cutest baby ever?”

Okay, I admit some babies are cute. (There, I’m probably the first guy to ever admit that on record!) But surely not every baby! Come on now, there have to be a some babies out there that are plain ordinary and some that are ugly enough to give a drag queen a run for his [her?] money! Why do you girls have to compliment them as well?



But for me, the greatest lie ever has to be when a woman says that she looks for a sense of humor in a guy! An outright lie that can match any of the seven listed above! The only person who’s looking for a guy with a sense of humor is a talent scout for a comedy club. A sense of humor can’t buy you goodies and it can’t “make love” to you. You can’t show it off to your other girlfriends and you can’t stare at it and drool. So why exactly are you looking for a sense of humor? Huh? Save it for the aliens!