Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Little White Lies on Your Dashboard

If I were a car manufacturer, I’d just make every speedometer display a speed that’s about 15-20% more than the actual speed of the vehicle.

Speed, as I see it, is more about the number than anything else. I can’t prove this in any way, but I’m fairly certain that someone who loves high-speed driving would be happier if he were driving at 120 but thought it was 150 than if he were actually driving at 150 but thought it was only 120. Like so many other things, it’s all in the mind.

Of course, this is only true if the error in the reading isn’t large enough to be noticed. For example, you couldn’t show a 30 as a 90 and expect to fool too many people other than maybe George Bush or Britney Spears. And even they’d start to suspect something after a while. But call an 80 a 90 and it would take an Ayrton Senna to tell the difference.

So basically I could now advertise my vehicle as having a top speed of 200 instead of a plain, boring Gramma-driving speed of say 170 and I’m sure that would get more people to buy my car. More importantly, this is probably the most efficient method to keep people within the speed limit since Edward II decreed that all carriage-drawing horses must have only three legs. If the street sign shows a limit of 80, you know you’re going to be doing 85 at least. But now that that 85 is merely a 75, no police radar gun’s going to stop you. (Assuming the guns measure the right speed.)

It also becomes far easier to impress chicks sitting in the passenger or rear seats. For them -- more than anybody -- speed’s DEFINITELY just a number.

“Hey! Check this out, babe! We’re doing 190!”
“Whoa! If I blow you right now, would you PLEASE slow down?”

If I were girl, I think I’d pretend to be impressed no matter what speed the guy’s driving at. Call me chicken if you may, but I’m not sure I want to die just yet, and I believe “Slow down, I’m impressed” is a slightly better option than “130? Pfft! My mentally challenged cousin drives faster than that!”

I think car manufacturers already DO ensure that your car shows you a higher speed than you’re really at, but just in case they haven’t already thought of it, I’m going to suggest it the next time I meet someone from the automobile industry.


phantasmagoria said...

okay..this the list goes as...
Britney Spears..and PARIS HILTON!!
How could you miss her out...from the 'daft' peoples list??

Rachel said...

great idea. Here in Michigan the speed limit is 70MPH and I regularly go 80.
This might help alleviate my penchant for getting speeding tickets.

lara said...

good to see you're back, at least more frequently than before.
let's hope it sticks =)

Arnold said...

phantasmagoria - I [hereby solemnly] promise my next joke that involves a dumb celebrity shall include PH.

rachel - See SEE! This is EXACTLY what I've been talking about all the time.. Good to know I'll have at least one taker...

lara - Touch wood! |Makes quick Hand-to-Head motion|

Renuka Apte said...

surely you haven't heard of speed=distance/time. Lets hope your buyers haven't heard of it either!

Arnold said...

renuka apte - ah.. have you actually ever driven for like 10 minutes in you car at a constant speed of say 50 (exactly), and then measures EXACTLY how much distance you have covered? no? okay.. thank you.

MainHoonRosiePosie said...

I've been following ur blog 4 a bit now n I dunno whether u really ve a way wid women or not(A drift of which is omnipresent thruout ur chronicles), u're hell (But, maybe dats cos u sold ur soul to the devil ;) )