The Not-So-Glorious Certainties of Football.

Football, any fan will be quick to assert, is a game of glorious uncertainties. I beg to differ.

Sure, there are upsets (like there are in every other sport), but if you look at the history of the World Cup, there have been far too many "certainties" for my liking. Let's take a look at just the finals for now, shall we? Here are some striking facts:

1. In 17 World Cups this far, we've had only 7 different countries lift the trophy. Even more surprisingly, the 34 teams that have competed in these 17 Finals have come from only 10 countries. I find this figure especially telling -- not only are new teams not winning the Cup, they aren't even reaching the Final!

2. In the 9 Finals since 1970 (18 teams), there's been only one entry from outside the traditional powerhouses of Brazil, Germany, Argentina, Italy and the Netherlands. (The exception of course was France in '98.)

3. The last time a team made the Final for the first time (again excluding the French exception) was the Netherlands way back in 1974. The last time we had both Finalists appearing for the first time was in the 2nd edition in 1934!

So all the "glorious uncertainties", it would appear to me, happen in the early stages of the World Cup. But once it comes down to the games that really matter, we only see regular faces! When will the Senegals and the South Koreas of this world have what it takes in them to actually win the damn thing?


Another interesting point that one realizes is that home advantage plays a crucial role as far as the Football World Cup is concerned. Here are some more facts:

1. The two countries that have one the Cup once each -- England (1966) and France (1998) -- accomplished this on home ground. The only other team to have played in the Final only a single time -- Sweden (1958) -- also did so on home turf.

2. Countries seem to do well either in their own country or not too far from it. 6 World Cups were won by the home country and only Brazil has actually managed to win the Cup on a continent other than their own (Sweden '58, Mexico '70, USA '94 and Japan '02). When one adds to this the fact that no team from either North America or Asia could realistically be given too much chance of taking the Cup, the only real 'away-continent' victory remains Brazil in Sweden '58.

3. South Korea put their home advantage to good use in the last tournament and wound up reaching the semi-finals. I don't think any home team has been knocked out of the World Cup in the Group stages.

So why do teams have such a problem traveling away from home in this sport? And when will we have some new teams winning the Cup? Any answers?


[Cross-posted on Silly Point -- here.]

Media, and What Are They Good For?

Ever watched one of those shows on TV where they have a ‘panel of experts’ debating a particular issue? Of course you have. And have you noticed how once the ‘experts’ start to run out of ammunition to attack their topic from their original viewpoint, they will invariably start to blame the media for the problem?

I remember this problem plaguing The Big Fight, when Rajdeep Sardesai used to host the show and I used to still watch it. I don’t watch it anymore but I’d bet good money the problem’s still there. No matter what the topic was or who the participants were, at least one of them would at some point look at Rajdeep and say, “Oh, but you know Rajdeep, this is all the media’s fault after all!”

And then the others would play the perfect chorus and join in. It’s surprising how easily people who were debating each other tooth and nail a minute ago can unite to heap blame on the common enemy -- the media! I remember the media getting blamed for everything from Sourav Ganguly’s axing from the Indian national squad to the crash in the stock markets.

Even interviews often go down the same road. They start off all merry and bright, but as soon as the interviewee realizes that he or she has no credible points left, it’s time for some healthy media-bashing!

“Of course, the blame for this whole reservations issue lies with the media! If they didn’t focus so much on these students protesting and going on hunger strikes and setting themselves on fire [and what not], there wouldn’t be such a big fuss about it at all!”


To be very fair -- the Indian media aren’t the greatest. I mean, they could do with a little flak coming their way.

I read this headline on the sports page of one of leading English dailies:
“Breaking Records is a Sign of Improvement: Shiny [Wilson]”

Really, Ms Wilson? How bright of you! I’m sure Scotland Yard is desperately in need of someone with the proficiency for perspicacious observation that you display.

Then of course there’s the ‘Breaking News’ epidemic that’s hit news channels across the country. Everything is breaking news! A couple of days ago I saw the following scrolling at the bottom of one of the news channels:
“BREAKING NEWS! DOCTORS CONTINUE STRIKE!”

Huh? To me that’s about as ‘breaking’ as saying George Bush is still President of the United States of America!

I can’t imagine a CNN news show winding off with:
“To remind you once again of our BIG story of the day -- George Bush is still President of our country. [Shakes head] Unbelievable! Well folks, that’s all we have for you tonight. I’m Alan Smith. Good night and thank you for tuning in. [Smiles]”

Dreams or Nightmares?

I haven’t been having too many nightmares lately, only pleasant dreams.

You might think this is a desirable situation, but I don’t agree. Personally, I prefer having a nightmare to having a dream. There’s something more pleasurable about waking up all sweaty and grateful just to be alive than waking up wanting to yank all your hair out in frustration because Alicia Silverstone isn’t really your girlfriend!

See what I mean? It’s always more fun waking up from a nightmare. Besides, I believe there’s a study that has linked dreams (but not nightmares) to premature balding in men. They could not figure out why exactly this should be but I think all the frustrated hair-pulling-out might have a part to play somewhere.

Here’s the question for today:
Is it incest if you sleep with a stepsibling halfsibling? (One common parent -- either Mom or Dad.)

Getting Away With Plagiarism

What with plagiarism having been in news so much lately, there’s a lot I don’t get about the crime. For starters, how exactly is plagiarism defined? In other words -- how much is too much? Surely, I’m allowed to take inspiration from someone else’s work, maybe even pilfer the odd detail from here or there. Who decides then that a certain piece of work has too much that is copied from other sources?

Obviously, to a certain extent what might appear like ‘plagiarism’ may, in truth, be nothing more than a strong coincidence. So we need someone to decide whether it was indeed coincidence or not. Who does this? And how? I don’t see any see, clear-cut mechanism for the same.

Is it plagiarism if I copy little bits from various different pieces of work? I don’t know.

For me, the best defense to plagiarism (if the ‘coincidence plea’ doesn’t work), is saying, “Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery!” Alternatively, you could use -- “Great minds think alike!” No one will have the heart to sue your ass after you claim they have a great mind. Try it.

Too bad Ms Kaavya Vishwanathan didn’t have me on her defense counsel!

Now You See Me, Now You Don't!

Having always been the ‘If you have it, flaunt it’ kind of guy, I doubt I’d be too impressed by an Invisibility Cloak. What’s the point in owning something cool if you can’t show it off to your friends? Imagine walking into a party and no one even noticing you. Literally. How are you supposed to draw the attention of the lovely ladies present if they can’t even see you!

I’m also the careless kind of guy. I like to toss my clothes wherever I fancy at the end of the day. I can just imagine the hell I’d go through trying to find the Cloak each morning! I’d probably spend hours feeling all around the apartment, before I came across it!

Also, there isn’t much in this world that you can do with an Invisibility Cloak that is both legal and can’t be done without it. Of course, there are a lot of illegal things that come to mind, not the least of which would be ensconcing myself nicely in Aishwarya Rai’s bedroom at night. (Why, you ask? I’d placed a bet with myself long ago about whether she says her night prayers or not, and I’d like to know who won? Me or me. I swear.)

At the end of the day though, I’m the kind of guy who’d much rather have some moolah in his pocket. So I’d probably just hawk the Cloak on E-Bay and spend the money buying clothes in which I can actually see how handsome I look!

Of course, I’d add a little caveat along with Cloak -- “Always wear clean underwear. You never know when this thing might stop working!”

(In case you’re all confused, here’s the question.)

Résumé Woes

I hate having to write a résumé. For me, it’s the worst part of the whole job hunting ritual. I can take all the written tests, interviews, group discussions or anything else they have to throw at me, but somehow the résumé always gets me down. And let’s face it -- if you can’t write a good résumé, you might as well forget about the rest.

I’ve always envied writers for this reason. For a writer, the résumé is a piece of cake! Just another day at the office, you might say. For him, the résumé ought to be the easiest part of the job hunt. Actually, I’m not even sure if there are any other phases in the selection of a writer. Look at it this way -- if you want to select a good writer, all you have to do is look at his résumé! If it’s well written, select the candidate! And who cares if it’s all lies and fabrication? Just throw him into the fiction section! Which begs the very significant question -- are fiction writers expected to lie as much as they can in their résumés?

However, I somehow feel writers won’t be very good at writing résumés. It’s part of a grander theory I like to call “God does not play Nice”! (Yes, Einstein got it wrong by one letter -- he never forgave himself for that.) I mean, you can’t have the job hunting process be as simple as the job itself. That just isn’t fair. Also, this would provide irrefutable proof of the fact that I’ll make a great writer someday, since I already struggle with my résumé. Some say I’m stupid, but I feel that’s just a derogatory word for “optimistic”.

I’m off to patch together a résumé now.

Spot the Anonymous Writer!

I think there are three factors upon which depends the amount you appreciate a certain product:

1) The quality of the product
2) Your impression of the person producing the product
3) Whether you've paid for it or not

The first of these factors speaks for itself -- you're bound to appreciate a better product more than a worse one. No surprise there.

The effects of the other two factors are often underestimated.

People tend to appreciate something that comes from someone they believe is good more than something of the same quality from someone they don't know. For example, if Scott Adams were to write an anonymous guest post on this blog, I doubt people would find it quite as funny as they would were he to post the same thing on his own blog. The reason is quite simple -- you've conditioned yourself to believe that he's funny and that I'm not. I suppose he could write a post that's little more than the English translation of the national anthem of Burkina Faso and you'd drive yourself crazy trying to figure out where the joke was that you were missing. You're sure it's there -- you just can't find it! (You then take this to be an example of his brilliant "joke hiding" skills and praise him even further!)

Ever wondered how a famous author can come out with a terrible book and people still read it? Or how a great band can release a tuneless album and still have it go platinum? I sometimes believe famous artists will purposely bring out a truckload of rubbish, just so that they can sit back in their plush leather recliners and watch people make a mad scramble for it. Bottom line -- if you like someone, you'll even like his crap.

People also tend to appreciate stuff that they pay for more than stuff they get for free. I suppose the "If I've already paid for this, I might as well try to enjoy it" routine plays its part here. If I've got something I don't like for free I can easily throw it away; if I've paid for something I don't like it's not that easy to let go off.

This is the main reason why people guffaw at comedy shows by famous stand up comics. Half the time, they aren't even all that funny. But they have two major points in their favor -- they're famous and you've paid an entry fee! Try telling the same jokes at the water-cooler the next day and watch people stare blankly at you.

Oh, by the way, Scott Adams already guest-writes on this blog. Now go find out which posts are actually his!

Why Go to Germany?

Why would anyone want to go to Germany to watch the football World Cup? As far as I can tell there is no special enjoyment that one would derive from watching a sporting event from the stadium as opposed to watching it on your television set.

If anything you’re better off watching the matches on TV for the following reasons:

1) You get to listen to the commentator give his opinion on the game, instead of blankly staring at twenty-two men chase after a ball in the middle of a green field.

2) If there is more than one match going on simultaneously, you can switch channels with a single press of a remote button. Teleporting yourself between stadia in different cities is slightly harder.

3) The fact that television cameras zoom in on the action means that you can actually understand what’s going on, without having to squint to figure out who passed the ball to whom.

4) Television replays mean that you don’t have to worry about missing the only goal of the match because you sneezed at the wrong time. (Stadia today are normally equipped with big screens, so this one doesn’t for much.)

I can understand a die-hard fan traveling to Germany to cheer his/her team -- I’m told you play better when the stadium is packed with people cheering you on. But surely, there can’t be that many die-hard fans out there. India, for example, isn’t even playing in the tournament -- why are all these Indians going there? If they claim they want to enjoy a nice holiday in Germany, why go now? I’m sure all the prices will have shot up through the roof since there’s so much of a rush to get there. Enjoy your German holiday some other time.

Here's something else to think about -- how many different countries have won the football World Cup so far? I think seven, if my memory serves me right. That's a surprisingly small number when one considers that this is the twentieth edition of the tournament and football is played everywhere! Just to put things into perspective, we've had eight cricket World Cups and five different countries have lifted the crown there. And remember how few countries play cricket as compared to football. What do you think is the reason for this oligarchy of sorts in world football?

Bombay Masala

The stereotype of the “South Bombay Snob” might not be merely a stereotype after all. My cousins and I were sitting at Café Mocha near Churchgate, contentedly smoking a hookah, when two good-looking, well-dressed girls approach to sit at the table next to us.

The place at this time is really crowded and everyone’s cramped up pretty close to each other. One of the girls bumps into the table next to us and a glass of water on the table falls, spilling water onto my cousin - Austin’s - jeans. Both girls would have obviously noticed this - they were looking forward and my cousin gave a little yell of disgust when it occurred.

However, these two females then proceed to sit down at the table as if nothing had happened! I couldn’t believe my eyes! The least they could have done was apologized. Austin doesn’t tell them anything because, as he explains to me, “It won’t make any difference or magically dry my jeans.”

While I agree with his logic to a point, I still can’t believe someone can spill water on a stranger in a coffee shop and not even attempt to apologize for it.

They didn’t hang around for too long though, and left about five minutes later. Or maybe they moved to some other table inside, taking their evil to new places. I’m beginning to believe there might be something to stereotypes after all!

Money for Nothing (… and No Chicks for Free!)

In the last 5-7 years, Poona-Bombay travel has changed drastically. This can be attributed to two reasons – the Expressway and Volvo buses.

A decade ago, the most obvious choice of transport for someone wanting to travel from one of these cities to the other was by train. The Deccan Queen, in all probability. The only other viable option was one of the State Transport run buses (ST’s for short). However, these suffered from a multitude of problems, ranging from a terrible suspension to dirty seats, from windows that wouldn’t close properly (leaving you to contend with a chilly draught if you happened to be traveling on a cold night) to ones that closed but rattled so hard that your head hurt by the end of the journey.

Almost everyone preferred to travel by train – it was faster, more comfortable and even cheaper!

Then came along two things that changed that. First, the government built an Expressway between Poona and Bombay. This cut down on the time required to commute by road between the two cities and also improved the comfort factor.

And secondly, a spate of new buses, which were advertised to be ‘Volvo Buses’ arrived on the scene. (I presume this means that they’re manufactured by Volvo, unless it’s just a new, not-so-cool nickname.) These buses were larger than the normal buses (both in physical size and the size of the hole they cut in your pocket) and were air-conditioned. More significantly, they were new unlike the century old relics that one had to travel in previously.

Initially, all of these buses were run by private agencies. They would make several stops within the city itself to pick up passengers before hitting the Expressway. (The ST’s wouldn’t do this – they started from the bus station and headed out of the city immediately.) This was good news for most people as it meant almost everyone had a ‘Volvo stop’ within 10 minutes of their home. A similar system was followed in the destination city upon arrival. Hence most people could now also alight much closer to where they were staying than previously.

Add to this the fact that the new Volvos had a television screen on which they showed an ‘in-flight’ movie, and it’s easy to see why, for most people, the Volvo overtook the train as the standard means of transport.

However, everything was not as dandy as it seems. Not for me, at least. After having traveled by Volvo a couple of times, I soon realized that all the reasons I was paying extra to travel by Volvo were actually working against me! Incredible but true!

1) The New ‘Air Suspension’:

I didn’t like the new ‘air suspension’ because it had a slow, swaying effect. It made me feel like I was in a rowboat in the middle of the ocean. Within a few minutes, I would be as sick as a dog!

2) The Air-conditioning:

I didn’t like the fact that the bus was air-conditioned for the simple reason that it meant all the windows were shut tight. This in turn implied that I couldn’t get any fresh air on my face, and when coupled with point no. 1, it didn’t leave me in a very jolly state. It aggravated my queasiness to no end and I had the most torrid time of my life. The closed windows also left me few options about where to be sick, since these buses do not always provide you with vomiting bags.

3) The Pick-up Stops:

These are supposed to be a boon but they’re the biggest bane of all. I live not ten minutes from the bus station in Poona and would always catch the bus at the beginning itself. Also, I would alight at the last stop in Bombay. This meant I had to face at least an hour (sometimes two, if traffic was bad) of meandering in the city at both ends of my journey. This added a good 50% to the time I spent in traveling, and since my motion sickness was at its worst in city traffic I felt like killing myself. Additionally, I would often be staying at Colaba in Bombay – a short bus ride away from the last train station (Victoria Terminus), but a much farther distance from anywhere on the bus route.

4) The Movie:

The movie shown in a Volvo is invariably a low-grade, cheesy Hindi movie. The kind I absolutely detest. And the volume would, without exception, be loud enough for a deaf man to hear! The movie thus meant that I could never fall asleep as fast as I would have liked to. (When you’re queasy, you can never fall asleep too fast!) I don’t understand why they can’t provide for earphones if they want to screen a wretched Hindi film!

Thus even now, I still prefer traveling to Bombay via train, or if that’s not possible then by an ST bus. Give me the rattling ST with the wind in my face, any day! I don’t see why I would want to pay extra money to reach later and all green in the face.

I’m traveling to Bombay tomorrow morning and I’ll be damned if I step anywhere near a Volvo!

(For an interesting, adventure-filled Poona-Bombay experience – see here.)