Wanted: Ugly Actors

I wonder how the audition process for really shitty roles on TV or in the movies are. Let’s say I’m making a movie and I want a really fat, ugly girl with a misshaped nose and two facial warts for a particular role in it. What do I do? Do I put out a “Wanted” ad for it? Would someone actually stand up and say, “Hey! I’m a fat, ugly girl with a misshaped nose and two facial warts!” I’m thinking the LAST thing anyone who fits the above description needs to be reminded of is their physical hideousness.

Other such roles would include the “before” model in advertisements for cosmetic and hair products. Why would any self-respecting person apply for a role that says “we’re looking for someone with hair that looks like that of a rag doll that’s been giving an electric shock”? Seriously, where do they get their actors from?

Maybe all actors actually look like Greek Gods -- and they just use the magic of makeup to look bad if they have to. So your overweight buddy, who claims to eat only Subway sandwiches and lose 120 pounds, actually has washboard abs all the time, but wears a “fat suit” and facial makeup for the chubby scenes. This worries me even more. Not only do the good guys get the good roles, but they also get the bad ones! How is a poor 386-pound loser ever going to make a living?

Even though you can’t really put a price on an untattered dignity, I’d tend to believe getting paid a few thousand dollars to have the self-respect kicked the shit out of you has got to suck less than not getting any money at all.