Lol

Trying to study for tomorrow's oral, I came across the following stuff that I had written in my book in class.

Here are some things Christ probably didn't say at The Last Supper:

"Anyone for pizza?"

"Matthew! Don't forget to eat your veggies!"

"Is this low cholesterol?"

"Get your elbows OFF the table!"

"Bread and wine? Who eats just bread and wine?!"

"Boy! I've got a busy day down at work tomorrow!"

"This soup's too cold. Think you could microwave it again?"

"Hmmm... Wonder what's showing on TV this Thursay night?"

"Twelve guys eating together? How sad are we?"

"So whose turn is it to do the dishes?"




Some things you don't want to say on your first date:

"Are those real?"

"Aren't you a little too fat to be wearing that!"

"Buurrrrpppp!!"

"Sure we can go back to my place. My wife's out of station!"

"Are you sure you're the same girl I asked out?"

"Don't worry if I act a bit weird. I'll be fine as soon as a get another shot of drugs!"

"Do you think my friend Pete could come and watch?"

"So much do you charge per night?"



Somehow I get the feeling, studying from my notebook isn't going to be of much help for tomorrow!

O(h)-r(e)ally!!

Tomorrow is my first (and thankfully, only) oral examination. No! No! I don't mean the dentist. This one shall be conducted in the Hardware Laboratory of our college (a place no less feared than the dentist's office, by the way)!

A engineering student's life is tyrannized by three different types of examinations - theory, practical and oral. And each one is to be met with a slightly different method of preparation.

For the theory papers, the best bet is to memorize all the previous years' questions and (more importantly) answers. Both of these are available in a series popularly known as the Brilliant Jigar's (or just Jigar's for close friends)! Reading any of the text books will result in barely passing marks. And God forbid you should have the courage to study from a foreign authored reference book, for then even passing is uncertain. The reason for this startling truth is the ridiculously low mental levels of those correcting the papers. Anything other than the model answer is Greek to them, and likely to be met with a big cross! I have found this out the hard way on more than one occasion! Hence the moral of the story is to swear by the Jigar's and put all hopes of seriously learning anything aside.

The second category of exams are the practical examinations. Here the strategy to be employed is once again rote memorizing. What you have to memorize is largely dependent on what branch you are in. Thus for a Computer Science course, all you would have to do is memorize about a score of programs each of about 400-500 lines. If you even so much as bring up the matter of understanding what those program do, you will be disdainfully scorned upon by all the teachers! No surprise there, since it is doubtful any of them understand any of the code in the first place. Or anything else from their subject either!

And then finally, the oral examinations! Unlike the other two, here success lies solely in the hands of Providence! No Jigar's or programs to learn by heart! There are two examiners - one internal (from your college) and the other external (from some other college). Sometimes. the best you can hope for is that the external is hot, young and of the opposite sex. You'll still get screwed but at least it won't hurt as much.

Everything hinges on the mood of the examiner on the given day. If you're lucky, he'll have been satisfied the previous night and you'll get through without a hitch. Should your lick not be so good though, he'll have gotten stuck in traffic that morning. In such a case, nothing short of divine intervention can rescue you.

One good tip is to always have the names of a few reference books ready. So whenever he asks you which books you have studied from you can rattle these names off. It doesn't matter that you have never seen any of them before; he won't have either! But you can be sure he'll be duly inpressed.

The worst point is that in an oral examination there is no fixed boundary on what he can and cannot ask you. If he asks you to name all 28 of Neptune's moons, then you jolly well better! (It doesn't matter that Neptune doesn't even have that many moons in the first place!)

The trick to survival is to be as vague as possible and contort your answer as much as you can. If he can't understand what you said, he can't question you about it!

I'd like to end with an ancient engineering adage, which loosely translates into something like the following -

"Beware of the oral! It can sometimes turn into an anal!"

Let's just hope mine doesn't! Unless, of course, that young, hot female examiner turns into a reality!

Jean-erally Speaking...

It's not hard to notice that the current trend in fashion is to wear your jeans as low as possible. Wearing them on your waist is too old-fashioned to even consider. Wearing them on your hips? Hmmm... only if it's the most formal of occasions! For anything else, they should start at least a good half foot below your belly button. (Geez! Do they still call it that?)

Do not, however, take this ability for granted. It's an art, that requires much skill and practice! There's only so low a pair of jeans can go before they slip off your tushy! And therein lies the hard part. Getting them as low as they can possibly go, without them actually sliding off as you're walking down 23rd Avenue. Boys, incidently, are a lot better at this than girls! I'm not being sexist here; it's just the way our bodies are built. A guy can get that pair of denims a lot lower than a girl can. The current records (as measured in inches below the navel) stand at 9.75 for guys and 7.5 for girls!

Incidently this fashion, though modern, is said to have rather ancient roots. It is believed to have been started by that fierce 13th century Mongol general Jean-ghis Khan! Today's masters include Jean-nifer Lopez and Jean (rhymes with Sean) Cena from the WWE!

And while on the one hand, the jeans have been getting lower and lower, the t-shirts have been getting shorter and shorter. Thus resulting in an exposure of midriffs on a scale never seen before! This can sometimes be a little hard for the older, more traditional generation to stomach (pardon the pun)! It nevertheless provides welcome eye-candy for the younger, not-so-traditional generation!

I am in no way against fashion of this sort. In fact I am very much for it. (Quite obvious, considering I am one of the younger generation!) What I disapprove of, though, is when the people who try it are too self-concious to pull it off. What's the point in wearing those loose, revealing jeans if you're going to spend every sitting minute with one hand on your ass to keep pulling that t-shirt down? If you're too afraid of what you may reveal, then keep those jeans up and those tops long enough.

Attack of the Razors!

Has you ever noticed how the number of blades in a shaving razor are increasing with the years?

Initially, all razors had one blade, and everyone made do with that. The Gillette ads would show that single blade lopping off the stubble at the very bottom, leaving nothing behind. Then suddenly someone came up with the bright idea of adding another blade to the razor. I think they called it Mach 2. What's interesting though, is that now in the new ad the first blade (which initially did all the work) cuts off only half of a particular strand of stubble! Then the second blade follows through and completes the job! Why? Why the need for a second blade when the first blade did the entire trick in the earlier model?

As if that wasn't enough, they then came out with the Mach 3. Now there were three blades. So in the ad the first blade would now only tickle the stubble, the second blade would lop a little bit off, and then the third blade would finish the job! Suddenly the first two blades aren't enough. The first blade which was doing everything in the first model, is now rendered practically useless!

So either the first (and second) ads were wrong, or the people at Gillette have less brains than a retarded chimpanzee! Which one is true, is left to the reader's discretion!

I'm not sure, but I think they've already come out with a 4-blade razor! When is this going to stop? At this rate we'll soon have razors with so many blades, the average human male won't even be able to lift them. They'll be stationary while the man scrubs his face against them! How will one manage to shave those tough spots under one's chin and at the corners of one's jaw and neck is not yet certain.

I can imagine the ad for the Mach 13462! The first 13460 blades will go by without even touching the hair at all! Then the last two will come in and perform the deed! But everyone will run to the stores to buy one, because after all how can you be so old-fashioned to use a razor with only 13461 blades when there's one with 13462 in the market?

Maybe after some years, the reverse trend will kick in - Gillette will advertise that its new razor is better because it has fewer blades than the currently existing models. The sizes of everything are shrinking in today's market and maybe the razor will go the same way. So after a lot of wasted time, energy and money they'll be back to the single blade razor! Which, by the way, is exactly where we started!

For my part, I've successfully managed to stay clear of all the fuss by shaving only once a month and using an electric razor!

Sunil "Piece-of-scum" More

One of my most respected figures is the honest law enforcement officer. (On second thoughts, if I'm going to pick a fictional character, I may as well pick Superman!) Jokes aside though, I really do take my hat off to these gentlemen (and ladies, I can hear the feminists shouting!) They're out there risking their lives everyday to keep the place safe. (Ok Ok! Maybe that's only in NYPD Blue, but the average cop's job is no stroll in the garden either!) Long hours and an emolument that's felt more in the heart than on the paycheck!

Now Newton's Third Law of Motion may state that 'Every reaction has an equal and opposite reaction'; but Newton's lesser known Third Motion of Law states that 'For every good cop there must be an equally bad cop'! And how true, as evinced by the actions of Mr More. To demand that he be subjected to hasty retribution of the severest degree would be just adding another voice to the crowd.

Let me clarify that I do not feel a rape commited by any other individual is less heinous. But there's something utterly nauseating about the act being perpetrated by a man in uniform (the uniform was probably off as he was doing it, but that's immaterial here). It's a scary situation when the institution that you were taught to trust as a child, turns around and shoots you in the back this way!

In another totally not connected matter, what is it with middle names? Why does everyone around here NOT have a middle name? I found out today that most people use their Dad's name as their middle name! Strange as this may be, it's at least bearable for guys. But what about girls? They get ol' Pop's name too! Till they get married, that is. Then they drop it for their husband's name!

I don't quite know why I find this funny, but I do! Now, I finally understand why all those university forms had a [Last Name] [First Name] [Father's Name] format! I could never quite fathom why they wanted me to append my Dad's name to the end of mine!

South Indians, apparently, have a similar system but insert their mother's name instead. This spares the girl the ignominy of having a different sex middle name, but I don't envy the guys!

By the way, my middle name's Chris, and it certainly ISN'T my Dad's name!

Why a Dildo is a Good Gift

Have you ever noticed how when something unbelievable is happening to you and you think, "Oh, am I dreaming? I surely must be dreaming!", you invariably never are. That's because dreams somehow just never ever seem like dreams when you're having them, so there's absolutely zero chance of you thinking that while you're actually dreaming. The same goes for the "Pinch me to see if I'm awake" routine. If you thought about asking someone to pinch you, you're definitely awake. I don't know of one person, who pinched himself awake during a dream he found too incredible to believe.

Speaking of dreams, my dreams of a Chelsea-PSV UEFA Championship Final have been shattered. Well, it wasn't really a dream, but that seemed like a fitting continuation from the previous paragraph. But seriously, Liverpool-Milan? I can't think of a more boring final! (Oh wait I can! Rameez Raja could have been doing the commentary!)

That's another thing I don't get (yeah, along with the million other things that I've mentioned someplace earlier)! What is it with cricket commentators? Most of them are so boring, they would make a snail race seem exciting! (Or actually they wouldn't, since they'd be commentating!) And what's making things worse is that today any Tom, Dick and Harry (Akram, Waqar and Sohail? Sorry for the Paki bashing here, but they are the worst!) who retires, believes he should 'give' something back to the game! Now coaching is out of the question, since at least a rudimentary knowledge of the game is a must for that. (Un)Fortunately, these people believe commentating has no such prerequisites! So thrown in a shirt, tie (and a shower?) and we have the babbling buffoons we see in the commentary box today. I must say, and I'm not being biased here, but the guys calling games in the NBA are so much better. Color, play-by-play or whichever other type of commentary you like, they're all excellent!

Someone's birthday is coming up in a couple of weeks, and three of us guys have decided to get her a 'sex toy'! Our plans seem to have hit a major roadblock though, for we have no clue about where we might lay our hands on one. All the girls we know, 'innocently' claim that they do not use such things and would therefore have no idea about where they are sold. What a load of baloney! Don't use a sex toy? Yeah, right!

Some girls were even (officially) offended by the thought of giving someone such a gift for her birthday. I don't understand what's wrong with it? It's great gift! And so practical! A show-piece will remain in a cabinet, a wall-hanging on the wall; but with this gift, the pleasuse is all yours! And why would a girl want one when she can get herself a guy instead? Because -

1. A dildo has a 'Switch Speed' button
2. A dildo will not fall asleep after it's over, and
3. With a dildo, you know size isn't a concern

(Man, I wish they made something for guys!) Actually, they already do! It's got five appendages and called a hand!

It's a Man's Life Too!

Due to popular demand (we have received over 1 requests for the same), I am creating the trans-gender equivalent to this.

So here's the list of the Top Ten Reasons Why It's Better to be Male!

10. Angelina Jolie is a woman!

9. You don't have to worry about who used the public washroom before you did!

8. Going topless in public will not get you thrown into the slammer!

7. You don't shy away from society every time you put on an extra 5 pounds!

6. A cold beer, some porn and you're happy!

5. You never have to worry about getting rid of under-arm hair! And don't even mention waxing!

4. A member of the opposite sex will not keep staring at your chest while talking to you! (That's solely your prerogative!)

3. You will never have to experience labor pains.

2. No periods or PMS! Ever!

1. Any time you want to see boobs, there's always porn! (see the women's list)

The Complete Idiot's Guide on How NOT to Approach a Girl

Much (too much, in fact) has already been said about how one should approach the girl one likes. So here's a quick run through of what you should not do!

1. Do not put too much planning into your approach:

Opening with something that you have rehearsed a thousand times in your mind already, will make you seem fake. It also gives her the impression that you are a scheming, manipulative individual. Things would go a lot smoother if you just approached her and let matters take their own course, naturally.

Sure, a joke or two isn't the worst thing in the world. But it should come naturally to you, as you're talking to her (and trying not to stare at her boobs, see below)!

And please keep those corny one-liners aside! They may work in the movies, but are not likely to meet with much success in real life!


2. Do not talk technical:

No matter how much girls may be impressed by fancy gadgets and gizmos, they are just as much turned off by talk about them. So drive up to her in your Porsche and you'll probably get laid, but try telling her about its ground clearance, gear ratios, or even its piston displacement volume and you can be sure you'll be sleeping alone!

This reminds me of a friend. This guy believes he can win over any girl with his 'intellect'. If he sees anything in a skirt, he just has to switch to techno-talk! A standard pick-up line might be something like, "How would you like to discuss the cosmological implications of the Third Law of Thermodynamics in the oscillating model of the Universe over dinner with me?" (She - "Umm... I'm sorry, I don't quite understand Greek!")

Needless to say, he's still single.

3. Do not keep staring at the goods:

Yes, I know it's difficult to talk to her without your eyes being magnetically attracted to her breasts, but if you wish to get anywhere with her then I suggest you shift your gaze northward by about a foot.

Sometimes this can be harder than expected. Especially if the female is topless, as I once found out on a beach in Goa. (Regular readers may assume that I am referring to this, but no, this was another occasion.) I think she stopped talking after about 30 seconds, but it took me about 5 minutes to realize that!

(Oh and also do not stare at someone else's rack either!)

4. Do not compliment her:

This one's rather strange. Compliments are received by men and women in very contrasting manners. Compliment a man, even falsely, and he will be as pleased as punch. But compliment a woman and, even if it's genuine, it risks not going down well. No man has yet understood why this is so. (I doubt too many women have either!)

Maybe it's just insecurity, maybe not. But whatever the reason, the fact remains - compliment a woman and you're playing with fire. If it works, great! But there's an overwhelming possibility that it won't! So if you want to play safe, stay well clear from the compliments.

If you don't believe this whole 'compliment' issue though, feel free to try it out on a female friend. But be warned of the possible repercussions!

By the way, it goes without saying (but I'll say it nevertheless since this is an Idiot's guide), but don't insult her either. So if you think she keeps opening and closing her mouth like a goldfish, or that she's flat-chested enough to shoot pool on, then I suggest you keep these observations to yourself! (By the way, if the second thing is true then you may want to reconsider why you're asking her out in the first place!)



Of course, all the above tips can be pushed aside if your last name turns out to be Clooney or if your Dad is the Sultan of some place or if you're just plain gay! For the rest of you regular average-Joe idiots out there, read it again!

Gallows Pole

I'm starting have a greater appreciation for what a man sentenced to death feels like the night before his execution. My first practical exam is tomorrow, and it's going to be certain death. (Which causes one to wonder why I'm spending my time writing this?)

- I know nothing.

- I know I know nothing.

- I know my knowing nothing means I'm going to get screwed.

- And yet, there's no fear here!

It's like the man who knows for sure he's going to die come sunrise. He's not afraid because there's nothing he can do about it. Might as well die happy.

In my case, there is something I can do about the whole thing. And that's quit writing this post and bury my nose in my books! But why bother? Some people will swear that you can get as much studies done in the 12 hours immediately before your exam as you can in the 12 weeks preceding it; but in my case the 12 weeks saw no studies at all, and so I doubt these 12 hours are going to see too much either.

Our examiner tomorrow will be X. My only previous experience of him as an examiner would have been hilarious, had I not been one of the hapless victims in the story.

It was my DPL (don't ask me what that stands for, I'd forgotten it 3 seconds after leaving the exam) practical examination. I had no previous interaction with X, and he looked benign enough. That impression was to change, and fast! He called up the first few guys for their oral examination. I was one of them. (Now that I look back, giving an 'oral' in the other sense of the word may actually have been better!)

He asked the first guy some question.

The guy started to answer, "Sir... Basically... "

He immediately stopped him and whirled around in his chair to face me. "Define 'basically'!"

Here I was having somehow managed to cram the finer subtleties of the COBOL Programming Language (that's what that Lab was about) into my average sized cranium, and now this ass was asking me to define 'basically'? I don't even remember what I mumbled out.

He focused his attention on another student. "What is the difference between COBOL-74 and COBOL-86?"

"Sir, actually... "

I saw it coming. And sure enough, another whirl later he was staring at me again. "Define 'actually'!"

Bottom line, as he as never ceased repeating from then on, eradicate the words 'basically', 'actually', 'fundamentally', 'may be', 'could be', 'whomsoever', 'whatsoever' etc from your lexicon. They are very vague terms and must never be used. Ironically of all our teachers, he is the only one who uses the last two, and frequently!

The batch after our's was even more unfortunate. One guy was made to repeat "I am a fool" ten times. However, in all fairness, X is one of the most generous distributors of marks around. His bark is worse than his bite.

To get back to my troubles though, I know absolutely nothing. So, umm... basically, I'm screwed!! At least the condemned man gets a last wish. Hmm.. wonder what I'd ask for?

K-F-C!!

I've been three times now to the recently opened KFC outlet in Poona (Come on KT, spit it out! It should be Pune now, shouldn't it?) and the Colonel has certainly lived upto expectations. While the Poona one may not be as good as the other two I've eaten at, I certainly feel it's a lot better than the other MNC's in the city. (Suck shit, McDonalds!)

The rates do tend to weigh a tad too heavily on one's pocket but then it isn't as bad as say Pizza Hut. Just don't go there if you're trying to make do on a shoe-string budget though!

One of the things I didn't like was the guy standing at the entrance, whose job was to entertain the people standing in the line. (Actually, the line was the second thing I didn't like!) His duties included keeping the kids entertained so that they didn't trouble their parents. I don't know what they must be paying him, but I refuse to believe anyone would do a job as embarrassing as that for anything less than a king's ransom! Making faces for l'il kids? Gimme a break!

Another thing I don't get is why places like this do not serve you water? I know it would be much more profitable for them if I had to quench my thirst by buying a soda instead. But there's a limit! And boy, fried chicken does make you thirsty! Next time I go, I'm gonna arm myself with a bottle of mineral water!

There's a McDonalds next door in the same building, and just how badly KFC is cutting into their business was amply evident from the fact that as we were standing in the KFC line, this MD guy comes up to us and thrusts a few MD leaflets into our hands! Maybe if they'd try improving their quality and stop Indianizing the menu so much. We were actually grateful for those leaflets though; they came in handy while trying to get the grease from the chicken off our hands!

We're thinking of heading out to KFC again sometime this week. If only the place weren't so damn far! Like I always say though - "Got two things to thank Kentucky for; the whiskey and the fried chicken!"