Monday, January 14, 2008

“Need To Change Your Balls!”

Most of us hate going to the mechanic because we know we’re going to get screwed and there’s nothing we can do about it. That’s because most of us don’t know squat about our cars or motorcycles and when we take them to the mechanic we’re as much of a sitting duck as anything. He’ll throw fancy terms at you -- “fan belt”, “radiator hose”, “bevel gears”, “Gossamer sheets”, “monkey piss”, etc. To be very frank, these sound like nothing that could possibly be in my car -- but what the hell do I know? I’m not the mechanic now, am I?

So I reluctantly agree that “Yes, my wanker shaft does need to be replaced” and “Yes, it is indeed a wise option to be ‘on the safer side’ and put in a new set of lubricated balls”. All the while I’m trying to add up in my mind what this is going to cost me and I wind up with my mental calculator displaying the words “You’re fucked!” Then I ask the mechanic, “How much is this going to cost me?” and get a reply that’s about twice my mentally calculated estimate. (Double fucked!)

But I’m a poor (even poorer by the end of the day), ignorant idiot who has no clue what’s causing that irritating noise somewhere in the trunk and if the mechanic says he’s got to put in new headlights to get rid of it, then I really have no choice but to agree with him. And if fitting a new rear-view mirror can help avoid the grinding sound that comes whenever I shift from third to fourth, then yea - I want that done too!

The point I’m trying to get at is actually this -- how is a mechanic any different from a doctor? I personally hate going to a doctor because I don’t know much more about (the internal functionings of) my body than I know about my vehicle. And if my mechanic can screw me over with a smile on his face, then so can my doctor! When I go to him with a certain problem or just for a general physical (the equivalent of servicing your car), he throws weird medical student terminology at me. Prescribes enough medication to keep the entire population of Colombia high for a month and sends me on my way with a huge hole in my pocket. Just like my mechanic does.

In fact I suspect they probably even use the same words (what would poor, ignorant me know!).

“Your wanker shaft needs changing and you’ll have to lubricate your balls! That should get rid of that headache!”
“Right on, Doc!”

Most people never understand why I hate seeing a doctor. Now I’ve stopped going altogether. (Sometimes I’ll break an ankle or something and the pain will so bad that I have to attach a pair of crocodile clips to my nipples just to take the focus of it, but even then I’ll staunchly refuse to pay the doctor a visit!) Hopefully, after this post people will understand why I’m so scared of going to the doctor. (And also, why I sometimes have two weird protrusions sticking out from under my T-shirt.)


veda said...

crocodile clips...
everything makes sense now.

Why didn't you say earlier? It would have saved me asking a whole bunch of people I don't know very well a lot of embarrassing questions.

Pleiades said...

Self-medication helps. But yeah, mechanics make me wish I'd taken up engineering or something.

Doctors are good if you want to get drugged well enough and quick.

I mean everything and everyone serves a purpose right? There's got to be some explanation for their annoying or not so annoying existence.

Lara said...

this surely clears things up.
in fact, just a couple days ago the doctor and nurse had a meningitis shot (which you should only take when you're 12 !)ready to give Gina ! and if my mom hadn't asked qs - who knows what would've happened.

Eternal Optimista said...

You sure know how to serve humor, exaggeration & agony onto one platter.. just in the right proportion & delicious. :)

“Your wanker shaft needs changing and you’ll have to lubricate your balls! That should get rid of that headache!”
“Right on, Doc!”

Thumbsup! :D

I would definitely like you to read this post-

Arnold said...

Eternal Optimista - Hey, glad you like the stuff. Don't get as much time to write these days, but I try to as much as possible. Nevertheless there's plenty of stuff in the archives if you feel like going through.. Cheers!

Anonymous said...

i love you!!

Anonymous said...

I thought I felt this only because I was a woman and the mechanics would be sure to cheat me :) Nice knowing its gender neutral.