Why I Am a Kloon

I think inventing new words should be an Olympic sport. It's a really fun thing to do if you're bored. I do it all the time. I believe words are the one thing that you can never have too much of. (Credit and Alicia Silverstone are the other two.) In fact, I've even coined a new word for this very activity -- "choogling". (No connection with "googling".)

Choogle, v : To invent a new word or term or give a new meaning to a word or term that already exists.

As mentioned in the definition above, there are two forms of choogling. You can either create a completely new word of your own, as "choogle" itself is a good example of, or you can use a word that already exists in the language, but giving it a new meaning. For example, I could tell you to sod off by saying, "Iron the dog!"

My new ambition in life is for someone studying the etymology of a term three centuries from now, to trace it back to a certain Arnold D'Souza who first used it sometime in the early 21st century. (Let's call people with stupid ambitions "kloons".)

One of the reasons why I like making up new words is because I suffer from a rather insufficiently stocked vocabulary. I'm often thinking about a situation or a concept and I just won't be able to think of a word to describe it. Now I can just choogle my way out of such situations. (I call people with insufficiently stocked vocabularies "bums".)

Of course this doesn't always help me practically. I often find myself in conversations that go something like the following:

Me: Say, you know that thing? The -- ummm -- wishet? Did you, ummm, flumengate the wishet?
Kim: Ummm... Come again?
Me: The wishet! I keegled Tom and told him to woozle you about it. Ummm.. at least I think I did.
Kim: Ummm... What the dickens are you talking about?
Me: (In frustration) Iron the dog!

I'll call conversations with an inordinately large count of "ummm"s in them "boopers". As you can see the above booper got us nowhere, except that Kim's dog probably had a wrinkleless fur coat the next day. Boopers are not good.

You may also have noticed that a lot of my terms contain a double "o" in them. I've grown partial to the double "o" construct. I leave it to you to create a term to describe such words.

What new words of your own have you come up with?

Wanted: Ugly Actors

I wonder how the audition process for really shitty roles on TV or in the movies are. Let’s say I’m making a movie and I want a really fat, ugly girl with a misshaped nose and two facial warts for a particular role in it. What do I do? Do I put out a “Wanted” ad for it? Would someone actually stand up and say, “Hey! I’m a fat, ugly girl with a misshaped nose and two facial warts!” I’m thinking the LAST thing anyone who fits the above description needs to be reminded of is their physical hideousness.

Other such roles would include the “before” model in advertisements for cosmetic and hair products. Why would any self-respecting person apply for a role that says “we’re looking for someone with hair that looks like that of a rag doll that’s been giving an electric shock”? Seriously, where do they get their actors from?

Maybe all actors actually look like Greek Gods -- and they just use the magic of makeup to look bad if they have to. So your overweight buddy, who claims to eat only Subway sandwiches and lose 120 pounds, actually has washboard abs all the time, but wears a “fat suit” and facial makeup for the chubby scenes. This worries me even more. Not only do the good guys get the good roles, but they also get the bad ones! How is a poor 386-pound loser ever going to make a living?

Even though you can’t really put a price on an untattered dignity, I’d tend to believe getting paid a few thousand dollars to have the self-respect kicked the shit out of you has got to suck less than not getting any money at all.

If You Had To Whom Would You Choose?

Everyone's always fantasizing about people belonging to the sex they actually prefer to get jiggy with it with. For me, that would mean females. However, it would be interesting to know who's on the top of your list of people from the "other" sex. Here are five guys I wouldn't mind crossing the fence for:

1. Jim Morrison [if he were alive and still young]
2. Colin Farrell
3. Prince Harry [yes, the younger brother and not the older one]
4. Paul McCartney [from a couple of decades ago]
5. Roger Federer [had to throw a nice guy in there somewhere, just to be fair]
5. Criss Angel

Who are your five?