Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Lies, Lies and More Lies!

There are some lies that are so hackneyed, I’m surprised people even use them any more. I’d have expected them to be safely packed away, for use on aliens maybe should they one day invade the Earth.


Here are some of the Hall-of-Famers.

1) “I ran out of gas!”

Ever since Mr. Benz invented the Internal Combustion Engine more than a century ago, man has conveniently used above line as an excuse for being late for absolutely anything. It was a lot more classy than the previously used version - “My horse collapsed by the wayside since his stomach was empty!”


2) “I got a flat!”

Of course, using the “gas” excuse all the time would cause people to start getting suspicious (and maybe even crack a few jokes about how you should perhaps eat beans the next time and shove your ass into the fuel tank!) and so one would do well to use this alternative excuse once in a while. But you would not want to overuse this one too often either, lest people start subtly suggesting that maybe you need to shed some weight.


3) “The check’s in the mail!”

I have no idea what the Postal Service is doing with all those lost checks, because at last count there were about 32,335,684,259 of them. In this country alone. There will be 5,604 more by the time you finish reading this post.


4) “No, those jeans do not make you look fat!”

What he actually means to say is, “Those jeans do not make you look any fatter than you already are!” Of course, actually saying that would probably entail her sitting on him and crushing him to death, so he decides to use the age-old escape lie.


5) “It’s not you, it’s me!”

He wants to break up with you, but he can’t decide how. He takes you out to dinner. Now, he can’t just break the news to you in simple English because you will start crying. (He doesn’t really care whether you cry or not, but it’s embarrassing for him to walk away from a table leaving a crying woman behind!) So what does he do? He pulls the classic “It’s not you, it’s me” routine! Works every time!


6) “There isn’t anyone else!”

This one dates back to the time when Adam first used it on Eve. He got away with it because back then there really wasn’t anyone else! Since then it’s slowly gotten more and more hackneyed to the point where today your wife could walk in on you having sex with some other girl and you could still possibly tell her, “Don’t worry darling, there isn’t anyone else!”


7) “Isn’t that just the cutest baby ever?”

Okay, I admit some babies are cute. (There, I’m probably the first guy to ever admit that on record!) But surely not every baby! Come on now, there have to be a some babies out there that are plain ordinary and some that are ugly enough to give a drag queen a run for his [her?] money! Why do you girls have to compliment them as well?



But for me, the greatest lie ever has to be when a woman says that she looks for a sense of humor in a guy! An outright lie that can match any of the seven listed above! The only person who’s looking for a guy with a sense of humor is a talent scout for a comedy club. A sense of humor can’t buy you goodies and it can’t “make love” to you. You can’t show it off to your other girlfriends and you can’t stare at it and drool. So why exactly are you looking for a sense of humor? Huh? Save it for the aliens!

32 comments:

teacup said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
FifthBeatle said...

nina - whoa! tht's a lot tht u've said here ... lol...

all babies do NOT look the same.. some are cute and some arent! and well, wht makes you think that i'm any more interesting than you are?

yashita - i quite disagree with you over here... speaking from experience i can tell tht humor is used more often as a "defence mechanism" (ala chandler bing) than as a sign of confidence... so there

lakshmi - OUCH!!

twip said...

ahhh........
What about this one:
"you called? Oh..I left my phone in the car/in silent mode/in a different room"

I mean seriously!
How retarded do people think you are?
*cough* Ive used it myself on occasion actually:D

FifthBeatle said...

megha - hmmm.. yea, nice one.. but then there's also.. "i'm busy now.. give me your number and i'll get back to you"

_dirtboy said...

Dammit!! Late Again! And Nice List.. will take care I redirect any person using this on/around me, towards your page, not that you need those extra visits, but still, the needs of the many outweigh the wants of the few.. Aint makin sense, Am i??

FifthBeatle said...

facesmasher - late again for wht, dude? sure thing.. any hits are good hits.. :).. wht's this needs outweighing wants again?

SwB said...

Good post, bro.

There's this couple in my building who have a baby boy who's butt bludy ugly ... and it's so damn funny how everyone tells the parents he's cute!

And yeah, I've always wondered why women place such a premium on a man's 'sense of humour'... perhaps it is to compensate for their lack of it :)

AWY said...

Oh yes.. the phone in the other room one... i use it so often... :-(
I don know whether to be proud of it..

Cute babies... i think its more the concept of it than actually looking to se if a baby is cute or not.. EVERY baby has some sort of cuteness... so i guess we must console ourselves saying we don actually lie every time...
As for #5 and #6...
*purses lips and shakes head...

ishipishi said...

cute babies...hmmm...! wrote this on royston's blog too...of how i reacted when i saw my son fr d first time...all red and blotchy..!! i wz like..."maa??!..." lolz...mom gave me one luk n i just shut up...anyway...me thinks now he's cute for sure:)...but then mommies wld always think so!

"chks in d mail"...lolz..heard that way too often when i worked in collections...

"it's not u, it's me"....hell it sure does work...is there any other (better) way to do this??! he he

i enjoyed reading these...

FifthBeatle said...

saltwaterblues - LOL! yea, it's rare finding women with a good sense of humor.. but there are a few of them around... :D

varun - cuz then i cudnt do the "beans" joke now cud i??

anna - why dont u people actually answer the call for once??

FifthBeatle said...

nina - sure, if you say so ! u're still in that "trying to be a loser" phase?? hmm...


ishita - lol! ur own son? tht's a first! gotta ask my mom wht she thought now!

Anonymous said...

LOL # 4 reminded me of ..me...
lucky for me you *did* tell me i looked fat..{like a whale, to be precise} =D hahahha...and BTW... elephants nvr forget, so dun be surprised when i DO sit on you!!!
# 7 reminded me of janice's baby lol.
and abt the sense of humour thing...it just can't be a lie for me lol cuz i cnt picture myself with a guy who doesn't make me laugh all the time!..it just wouldn't be right. =)

FifthBeatle said...

lara - :D!! i did do that, now didnt i?? lol! cant wait for you to get here!

FifthBeatle said...

lakshmi - i wunder which side of the fence i was born on? hmm...

FifthBeatle said...

lakshmi - so i guess i'm not then ! :D

Leilouta said...

I am tired.
I forgot about the time.
I had no idea it was this late.
I can't believe it is not butter. I am dying here.

FifthBeatle said...

leilouta - ok! ur comment had me puzzled for a while there... but i assume that these are supposed to be some more lies that you wish to add to the list... i wunder if i'm right..?

FifthBeatle said...

lakshmi - now, now... there's no need to get all bitter about it... with a taste in music like urs *ahem* surely u cant be all tht bad... ?

FifthBeatle said...

nina - who's Rep again? .. and was tht supposed to be a pun on "drumming"?

lakshmi - you respect simon cowell?? wait.. let's back tht up a bit.. you watch american idol????

FifthBeatle said...

lakshmi - if you like straight talking, "dont mind being hated", shoot-from-the-hip characters, u'll worship me :D!

FifthBeatle said...

lakshmi - i often keep pissing off people i dont even know!

AWY said...

And jus so you know..
"rep" refers to divya.
http://www.mystrangenotions.blogspot.com/

FifthBeatle said...

anna - why call her "rep" then?

FifthBeatle said...

lakshmi - i'm rude without intending to be so.. and most of the times i've not even aware of it.. until someone tells me about it later...

teacup said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
FifthBeatle said...

yashita - thanks for the support ! :)

Anonymous said...

GO sistah! please change the template of the blog. make it pink :) :)

FifthBeatle said...

kt - oh shut up! btw, u're in an all girls league out here dude.. u might want to watch ur step ;)

teacup said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
AWY said...

@ kt..
Well... Do you think ah-nild might like nina's new template ? It is pink!!!!
:-)
What say you, Mr. A ?

FifthBeatle said...

freaky chakra- well... yea, i suppose you cud add that one too... cept being the gentleman tht i am, i never use that line... ;)

yashita - yea.. i was going to put tht one in too... but then i've already written an entire post on the falsehood of that particular line

nina - git, now?

anna - so i finally spurred u into action, eh?

william, the bloody said...

What About, "My grand Mother/Father passed away?" I personally have killed 7 grandparents if Im not mistaken. Hmmm.. I wonder if i can plead Lack of Originality?



http://www.piggy-memories.blogspot.com/